Mar 2, 2008

I am bipolar.

Have you ever felt extremely worthless that you think the world could do just fine without you? Have you ever felt so empty that as if the littlest enthusiasm for anything that you like was sucked out of you? Can you remember the single most painful time in your existence that almost made you wish you were never born? Now, if you could just relive that moment, feel every teardrop, endure that same heartache. Right after that I want you to think of the days when you were at your highest. Try to remember the times when you were so flippant and giddy over something that you feel so passionate about. I want you to once again hear your screams when your favorite basketball team won the finals. Remember the times when you were so excited about a single project that might just change your life. Thoughts rapidly racing through your mind as you picture every moment of it. Try your hardest to see yourself going through each of those emotions one by one in almost every single day of your life. It’s not easy, is it? It kinda sucks.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder with rapid cycling for half a year now. If you took what I wrote above seriously, you already had a good peek into my mind. Some people might call me manic-depressive while others would just describe me as “may konti- konti” or “may sayad” after hearing about my case.

Our country has almost zero knowledge of the dozens of psychiatric disorders that a lot of us Filipinos experience. Very few of us here in the Philippines are diagnosed and are getting proper medication. The rest are just being branded as sumpungin, napaka batugan, walang pangarap, walang hilig matulog ng maaga, hindi mapakali, papansin, masyadong masayahin, kiti-kiti or other traits that seem relatively normal. This is because most psychiatric disorders have symptoms that normal people experience on a lesser level and frequency. See, I am just like you. Only most of the time, depression and mania are no longer a choice for me but a regular company that I have to stick with as they come one after the other. So please don't tell me to try to control my emotions. It's like telling a diabetic to control his blood sugar level.

I have thought long and hard before making this post because I am afraid. I’m afraid that I don’t know that much for me to write in behalf of everyone living with bipolar disorder. I’m afraid that the readers might not take me seriously (save your jokes for the next posts guys). I’m afraid that people just won’t care.

I googled Bipolar Philippines and found very few pages that would help Filipino bipolar patients like me. Living with bipolar disorder is hard enough for anyone, making others understand makes it even harder. This is the only way I know to raise awareness about bipolar disorder in the Philippines. I would soon be making a new blog entirely dedicated to this cause.

45 comments:

igno said...

I am too!

Abad said...

Ngek Igno, para san yun? we both know you're not bipolar. undiagnosed ka pa e, iba sakit mo. haha.

linglingbells said...

ang tapang mo para harapin ang ganyang sitwasyon.. tanong lang: panu daw magagamot yung sakit na yan? at saka bipolar 2 ka diba, so may bipolar 1,3? anu pinagkaiba-iba nila?

camille said...

hehe ni-post mo din pla.

wala naman sigurong problema sa readers mo kung meron ka nito. at least aminado ka di ba.

kung tutuusin lahat naman tayo (ata) nkakaranas or makakaranas nito eh.

(kaya din siguro ako nkakarelate sa posts mo, di kaya? )

randomdemeanor said...

ako din ...kaya natin to..at last, naka comment nako sa blog mo..ang pinakaseryosong post pa...

wag kang mag-alala..di ka nag-iisa..

yarnhoj said...

i don't know if i am bipolar, but i pray to God always...

KRIS JASPER said...

I deal with people who has learning/physical disabilites, but we have a couple of patients who are diagnosed bi-polar. It's hard.. maybe harder 4 u coz u live in a society that only a few could understand.

I dont know what to say... aside from meds that could control ur "emotions", i hope the people surrounding you have greater understanding of what you have.

Im just a click away.

Abad said...

linglingbells, salamat. ang alam ko may apat na uri ng bipolar disorder, pero hindi 1,2,3,4 ang pangalan kasi hindi naman sila stages. Walang cure ang bipolar disorder, pero meds can help lessen the depression and control mood swings.

camille, like I've said, nararanasan ng tao ma depress pero hindi madalas saka sa tamang rason lang.

randomdemeanor, seryoso? Gaano katagal ka ngnadiagnose? i'ts nice to know someone who understands.

yarnhoj, that's great. praying helps me too.

krisjasper, sana nga talaga naiintindihan ng madami. the poblem i have is that people may either take it so lightly or too seriously. Buti na lang yung mga kaibigan ko talaga naiintindihan nila. salamat.

FerBert said...

tol, ako rin ata...

ang tapang mo parekoy. BOW! saludo ako sayo.. wow!

xienahgirl said...

nasabi ko na rin sa iyo diba?
may mental disorder din ako
pero walang sumeseryoso
kala nila
nagbibiro lang ako

redlan said...

uy, nilamangan mo si kris aquino! wow! ang disorder mo ay hindi naman malubha. dapat kang tularan sa pag-amin. congrats!

Abad said...

Redlan, it cost me my schooling. Hindi ako makatulog, may mga araw na wala akong energy para sa kahit ano. 12% ang posibility na mamamatay ako dahil sa suicide. I screw up at relationships, part of it is because of my immaturity pero I can not discredit the fact that my mood swings and my constant trouble with how i feel make up for it too. I could go on and on. Ang punto ko ay, hindi malapit sa katotohanan ang pagsabi na "hindi naman malubha" ang disorder ko.

I am not taking it against you though. Alam kong you were just trying to make me feel better. Thank you. :)

Abad said...

FB, wala ka nun don't worry. Sabi mo dati lagi kang may gana diba? haha.

X, hindi ko maalala. Ang alam ko, nasabi ko na 'to sa'yo dati.

pusa said...

uy talagang nagpacheck up ka, takot ako malamang bipolar din ako eh

Abad said...

Pusa, madalas ako sa doktor. saka everyday ang meds ko.

Mojo Potato said...

Prozac-dependent ako since 4th year high school ako...anxiety and depressive moods ang kalaban ko araw-araw...yung parang masaya ka last week pagkatapos this week ayaw mo nang lumabas ng bahay o pumasok sa school...mahirap talaga...at sakit pang mayaman pa naman ito abad...mahal kasi ng gamot na tinitake araw-araw...

Maru said...

hala! ang akala ko ng ibig sabihin ng BIPOLAR ay MALIBOG! lols!

nways, lahat naman yata tayo ay may bahid ng sakit na yan. pagaling ka, friend.

Jot-jot said...

bilib ako sayo....not all people with mood d/o can accept the fact that they have the condition..the first stage of getting adjusted or having the chance to live life normally is acceptance..

Coldman said...

basta ba marunong kang makisama e, walang problema dun.

mabuhay ka. =)

monaco said...

what you said was true. ganyan nga dito sa ating munting bayan. ignorante ang karamihan ng tao sa mga ganyan at katulad niyang sakit. either sira ka, sinto sinto, may sayad, o kaya ay lahi ng baliw (sinama pa mga ninuno mong patay na!).

after reading your post I'm sure I'm bipolar too even if I have yet to be diagnosed. I suffer from the same symptoms.

btw, kala ko mali yung napasukan kong blog kanina kasi ingles! LOL

Abad said...

mojo potato, baka bipolar ka din? When was the last time you visited your shrink? bipolar is often misdiagnosed as depression. yung mga tao kasi nagpupunta lang sa doktor pag malungkot kaya hindi nakikita yung manic side nila. Muntik na din akong magtake ng prozac dati noong nararamdaman ko na lagi na lang akong depress. Kaya lang magpapalala pala yun ng mania. Anyway, kaya natin 'to. Mahal nga ang gamot at padoktor, mas mahal pa sa allowance ko ang daily meds ko. Natatakot na nga ako sa atay ko sa dami ng gamot.

Maru, hindi malayo sa katotohanan ang pagkakaintindi mo.lol. pag manic ang bipolar sobrang lakas ng sex drive.

Abad said...

jot-jot, salamat. I always knew something is wrong with me kaya hindi ako nahirapan tanggapin.

coldman, SAKTO! salamat.

Monaco, you could try taking some online tests. Pag positive patingin ka na.Di ba palipat lipat ka ng trabaho? I know a good shrink if you need one. Natagaln nga ako sa paggawa, ingleesh kasi.

The Deity said...

I am Bipolar, well according to my last psychiatric evaluation. I used to see a shrink. But he gave up on me. I guess I drove him crazy, too. Hahahahha!!!

I know he misdiagnosed me. He intentionally did. Nothing's wrong with me. I'm pretty sure of that. So when he prescribed me meds and a diet chart to follow, I chose to follow the diet but took none of the meds.

I know that I am just plain homesick. Nothing short of depression or anything of that sort.

Do you know that depression can be caused by lack of some nutrients?

Btw, I like this blog. Kinda serious. Makes me think that you're actually suffering from multiple personalities and not bipolar as you claimed to be. Hahahahha!!!

Peace brodah!

kurisujae said...

kaisa mo ko sa pagpapakalat ng kaalaman tungkol sa bipolar disorder...

hanga ako sa tapang mo pare! :)

kurisujae said...

Pahabol lng... been to Tuguegarao once.lagi yang maaraw sa dun!hehe...

Mojo Potato said...

i visited my doc last month and my condition progressed because i'm taking only half the dose that I was taking before...nakatulong din ang lablayp kahit papano....wahahahah

Mariano said...

Ngayon na lang ako makakapagComment dito Abad.

Hindi man siya mapagamot eh sigurado akong mayroon namang mga paraan para maisaayos ang kalagayan mo.

Mahal din ata ang mga therapy sa ganyan kaya iilan lang ang nagkakaroon ng panahon na bigyang pansin ang mga karamdamang kagaya niyan.

randomdemeanor said...

RE:randomdemeanor, seryoso? Gaano katagal ka ngnadiagnose? i'ts nice to know someone who understands.

@abad: no probs chong! hehe.Matagal na yun.2 years ago? nung na rehab ako dahil sa liquor abuse.Naging tubig ang kahit anong tapang na alak para sa kin.Na-diagnose sya kasi kelangan i-check ng psycho na psychologist (ahehe) ang dahilan kumbakit ako lumalaklak permente.so yun.

Pero feeling ko (lng naman) magaling na ko kahit minsan sinusumpong din..pero di ko na dinadaan sa pag iniinom...pwde pala, basta tubig lng.

hahayz...makapost na nga about dito.Kainis ka, at least may post na ko ulit.salamat sayo.Basahan mo post ko about dito pag natapos ah?! ha?! ha?! lolz!

lilmispasaway said...

ngayon ko lang nabasa to.. ganun pala ang bipolar.. hirap pala, sana mapagaling ka na :) naalala ko lang, may isang housemate dati sa PBB celebrity edition 2 na bipolar eh, nakalimutan ko lang sino at di rin namention kung nagpapagaling sya or ano.. si britney din bipolar, pero sana wag ka umabot sa state nya hehe

mnel said...

*hugs abad*

ngayon lang ako nakapagbasa ulit. akala ko nung una, nagbibiro ka. hinahanap ko kaya yung punchline pero seryoso ka pala. mabuti naman at nadiagnose ka. tama ka, marami ang hindi nadidiagnose na psychiatric cases dito sa pilipinas, hindi lang ang bipolar disorder dahil sa stigma na pag nagpatingin ka sa psychiatrist, sintu-sinto ka na. ang hindi nila alam, kahit ang simpleng depression, kapag tumagal sa "normal period" eh masama na at kailangan na ng psychiatric intervention. should we blame this on the media? siguro. dahil sa mga palabas na nagpapakita ng mga edge-of-the-spectrum cases as psychiatric cases na-brainwash tuloy ang nakararami na ganon lang ang mga pscyh cases.

mahirap yang pinagdadaanan mo but i am glad that you're being controlled with medications. ^_^

dati akala ko bipolar ako. ahahaha. hypochondriac lang pala ako. =P

watusiboy said...

you're so brave. nakakarelate ako sa sinabi mo. i've been hearing of manic depression and bipolar disorder. feeling ko kasi may ganyan din ako. pero di ako nagpapatingin. ayoko ring isearch sa google. ewan ko ba, natatakot ako.

R-yo said...

nye, akala ko ang bipolar e ac/dc. he he. joke po! peace!

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Midge said...

Hi, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I think your post is one of the bravest ones I have ever read.

The trouble here in the Philippines is that talking about mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder and even simple depression is taboo and people tend to think the worst and feel that you have gone mad or something.

As painful as it is to admit, I am not getting any support from my parents (who have chosen to stay in "blissful" denial) and am currently in danger of losing my job. Nevertheless, I think I can survive this and I hope you'll survive your battle, too.

Andrea Claire said...

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder too. D:
It's weird that the Philippines is quite unaware of mood disorders because of them pag mental illness ibigsabihin baliw na agad. It's quite stupid really.

Even though I've been diagnosed with that 'mood disease' the people around me, especially my father is in complete denial.

Anyway, don't mope around because you have that. You can look at the bright side of having that. We have twice the adrenalin as normal people and hypomania helps with getting good ideas for projects or anything. O: And, alot of famous people are bipolar like Beethoven, Mozart or Virginia Woolf. Having a mind disorder greatly increases your thinking & creativity levels. O: Just be sure to focus what you've started because based from experience, in hypomania, you'd get alot of ideas that you's start them all but never even bother to finish them O:

Suzette said...

hi abad,

i just very recently learned about this condition. like you said.. most people, esp here in the philippines, don't really understand it. i myself thought that it was just about mood swings and that's it. but when i started reading about it, i found that it is quite complicated. and i cannot begin to even imagine what you go thru.. i mean really go thru. i feel for you man. what you're doing here with your blog is really good... educating people and creating a venue for pinoys to start talking about it... what its really all about.

i wish you luck on your endeavor. if there's anything i can do to help you with this, just post it here. stay strong. hope you are doing well.

suzette

Suzette said...

i have a question though... this goes to anyone who would like to comment on this (i hope its ok with abad).

abad mentioned in his earlier post that there are people who either take it lightly or too seriously. so how should people take it then? i'm just new at learning about the condition and would very much appreciate some insights.

thanks a lot!

Anonymous said...

i am also diagnosed with BP2.

i feel blah today. it is really hard.

someday, i want to be an educator of BPD. grabe kasi ang stigma dito sa Pinas.

someday when I am stable and able.

Now, things shall wait for me

-sigh-

ac

Kalamayan said...

hi, i am bipolar too. i've been diagnosed at age 18. now i'm 27 going 28. i'm using epival for i guess almost 10 years. i used lithium at first but shifted to epival. i hate the annual check up for my thyroid thing- lithium does a little harm to your thyroids, the doc said, and of course, liver. Naka graduate din ako sa college, after shifting from accountancy to psychology just to have more knowledge on managing my conditions better. i have survived greatly due to family support and my willingness to get back to my long lost i don't know how to call it passion for doing things. i did not entirely got that passion back after ten years though, after dicovering that the drive was due to my bipolarness.now everything is just mellowed down to moderation. i have decided to change my diet and become a vegan... for life, for i am not only bipolar, i am also prone to breast tumors since my grandma died of breast cancer. Also, a reliable source told me that fish and vegetable diet can lessen depression. i decided to do the vegan diet. luckily i live in the farm-the air is fresh, i can do the garden, it makes me feel a lot better. anyways Abad, this time i have decided to check out the net for bipolar updates in the Philippines, i wrote "bipolar philippines" and the first hit was your site, read it, and said that finally, some people with better judgements. it made me feel a bit better. thank you for making this blog. i have not made a blogsite featuring this bipolar life yet, my father don't want me to talk about it because of the stigma, so maybe i'll be using a different name or something like that. someday. ah, something to look forward to. always give yourself something to look forward to. and say no to suicidal thoughts. if you feel so bad sana marami kang friends na makausap jan. i'll be checking your site from time to time para kumustahin ang mga kababayan kong may ganitong kondisyon. To all of you, value your life.. Sana may online support group din tayo dito sa pilipinas..

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Anonymous said...

Ang boyfriend ko may ganito din klaseng disorder, but still nakapag work pa din sya as a Nurse. pareho kaming RN. People with bipolar disorders are also normal people. It's just that they have extreme mood swings. Madami din influential people sa society natin ang may ganitong diorder. some of them are politicians and artists. People with this kind of psychiatric disorder needs understanding and support. plus they have to take their medicines for the rest of their lives to prevent recurrence of symptoms. cheers for having the courage to post "i am bipolar" :) thanks :)

bayay said...

Thank you for this very brave post! This is a very sensitive and serious secret para ipost mo pa, pero grabe, naiiyak ako sa saya at sa paghanga sayo dahil sa ginawa mong ito. I just made a confession last night, and pagdating ko ng ofis today, nagreresearch uli ako, then i came across to this post.. sana makilala kita ng personal, kung sino ka man. I'm from Tuguegarao too. Hindi ka nag-iisa. And God will never abandon. ang sakit2 db? lalo na pag sinasuffer mo na yung outcome ng hndi nila pagkaunawa sayo, sa totoong nagyayari sa loob mo. ang sakit2. ang hirap2. ang sakit2. it's a very crucial battle, lalo na pag ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi talaga sa totoong nangyayari syo. and then you are being judged by people who don't know what you are. ang tapang mo to do this, God bless!

bayay said...

2008 post pa pala ito. been 3 years.. so, kmusta ka na po ngayon?

maggie.danhakl@healthline.com said...

Hi,

Healthline just launched a video campaign for bipolar disorder called "You've Got This" where bipolar patients can record a short video to give hope and inspiration to those recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

You can visit the homepage and check out videos from the campaign here: http://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/youve-got-this

We will be donating $10 for every submitted campaign to To Write Love On Her Arms, so the more exposure the campaign gets the more the videos we'll receive and the more Healthline can donate to research, support, and treatment programs for mental health disorders.

We would appreciate if you could help spread the word about this by sharing the You've Got This with friends and followers or include the campaign as a resource on your page: http://schoolhopper.blogspot.com/2008/03/i-am-bipolar.html

Please let me know if this is possible and if you have any questions. And, if you know anyone that would be interested in submitting a video, please encourage them to do so.

Best,
Maggie Danhakl • Assistant Marketing Manager
p: 415-281-3124 f: 415-281-3199

Healthline • The Power of Intelligent Health
660 Third Street, San Francisco, CA 94107 www.healthline.com | @Healthline | @HealthlineCorp

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